|idol|

there was a light
at the end of the tunnel,
so i rushed towards
your brilliant arc,
for only you differed
from the darkness,
and as you spoke,
i learned to speak
by mimicking
your tone of speech,
adopting your beliefs
about the world.

i learned many words:
like "light, end, tunnel,
darkness, God, bible,
sin, sacrifice, idol..."
the origins of each
bridled by your teaching.
stringing them sequent
in a myriad of melds,
i turned back towards
the tunnel and yelled -
oh, how the orison
of verbal jewels swelled,
piercing the obscurity
with my prideful spells -
such resounding creations!
but by great surprise,
my screams into the void
were met with reply -
new words tricked back
from the black aisle!

the abyss grieved
"mean, victim, hostile,
arrogant, narcissist,
sociopath, entitled..."
giddy with excitement,
obliged by their gifts,
and hoping to secure
these new friendships,
i replayed in kind
with a fervor cry:
"false, allegation,
redirect, blame,
denial, retaliation..."

(words you taught me
when I tried to show
you "painful, confused,
frustration, abuse,
patricide, isolation")
the years passed on
and my lexicon grew,
but I always stayed true
to your model -
react to emotions,
always try to outwit,
over-spiritualize things
but be a hypocrite,
preach without practice,
bolster entitlement,
and when you find
true love - lose it...

i did discover a word
you never taught me:
Shame.
it rounds in the mouth
with a bitter stain,
dyeing past memories
with all the colorful ways
we could have lived
different than our parents.
i never escaped
the cave by running
towards your flame -
just learned that darkness
has other names.